Cheated

I feel cheated. I know that’s selfish. My son is in Heaven – Paradise. I’m happy for him and am thankful to God for that. However, here, in my own little corner of the world, I feel, among many other things, cheated.

I was looking forward to seeing how tall Zach would be. I was excited about his future and wondered what career path he would follow. I imagined him attending college for a year or two in England because he loved it so much over there. I was looking forward to seeing who he would marry and if he would have kids.

Although I won’t have to endure the pain that other parents experience when their teenage driving children are late, believe it or not, I feel cheated about that as well. I feel cheated when I pass the stadium on a very brisk autumn day. I should be freezing in the stands with the other parents while watching my son in the marching band.

There will be no prom, no graduation. There will be no arguments as he struggles to find himself and becomes a man. There will be no gradual letting go as he learns to fly.

Letting go suddenly, unexpectedly and permanently is too hard. I’m jealous of the parents who get to experience the turmoil – as well as joy – of their children’s adolescence. I still complain when I have trying times with my almost-seven-year-old little girl. But, deep down, I cherish it. I would give almost anything to experience anything, even turmoil, with my boy.

I miss you, Zachy, more than anyone can know…

8-14-08
Barb Dreyer
Zach Hughes’ mom